Saturday, October 30, 2010
Stop bringing your ships to Somalia...
There are pirates there! They like to overtake ships! You've been warned.
Another ship was seized by pirates again this morning, check CNN.com if you don't believe me.
This has been in the news forever yet people keep taking their damn ships over there. You know what? I don't feel sorry for you. Wasn't there at least one guy on the ship that said, "hey guys, there are pirates that aren't very nice in Somalia, can we take an alternate route?" Problem solved.
A Post about Nothing...
Black Hooded Velvet Cape
except for my last three days of non-stop working. Oy vey! I mostly worked at KCAL and spent my days chatting on the radio and eat Pho (a super duper Pho place just opened up down the street)...the people there are ridiculously nice.
I also worked on "The Cape"...what is the deal with all these losers writing superhero shows for mid-season pick-ups? They are all trying to ride the coattails of Heros (which I never watched)...Anyways, I'm already offended by the Cape (and I informed quite a few of the crew)...if you are going to have a fucking superhero show, don't you think it's a little bit lazy to just call the guy "the cape". Isn't anyone a little original? You go to all the work to become a superhero, which I'm imaging isn't easy and all the writer's can come up with is "THE CAPE"...is the spin-off show going to be called "The Overcoat"...or how about his lovely lady sidekick...is her name "the stilletto"?
I got to be in a "blowing up the craps table" scene. You haven't lived until you have been in an explosion scene! Although the scene where I got shot at with M80's, (on ironically enough...another superhero show (No Ordinary Family))...was much more festive. Not only was it more festive but I had plenty of experience with being shot at and gunshots in general (hence all the classy neighborhoods I've dwelled in)...so I just really felt like I was at home in my living room which made the acting that much more believable.
Now I'm back at KCAL trying to spew forth some Holla-ween tidbits. Oh here's a good one...don't google Halloween, last year when I did...my computer got infected with some malware shit. I guess these evil malware assholes implant their crap in holiday websites because idiots like me are curious as to the origin. Christmas too is another one that likes to fuck up your computer. So if you must look up different Holidays, do it at work or a friends house. You're welcome.
On a sidebar, can we please bring back wearing CAPES? I have two capes at home that are sitting around and dying to be worn. I don't want to be the only cape-doning common folk out there. Please help me in bringing the cape movement into the mainstream. Gracias!
except for my last three days of non-stop working. Oy vey! I mostly worked at KCAL and spent my days chatting on the radio and eat Pho (a super duper Pho place just opened up down the street)...the people there are ridiculously nice.
I also worked on "The Cape"...what is the deal with all these losers writing superhero shows for mid-season pick-ups? They are all trying to ride the coattails of Heros (which I never watched)...Anyways, I'm already offended by the Cape (and I informed quite a few of the crew)...if you are going to have a fucking superhero show, don't you think it's a little bit lazy to just call the guy "the cape". Isn't anyone a little original? You go to all the work to become a superhero, which I'm imaging isn't easy and all the writer's can come up with is "THE CAPE"...is the spin-off show going to be called "The Overcoat"...or how about his lovely lady sidekick...is her name "the stilletto"?
I got to be in a "blowing up the craps table" scene. You haven't lived until you have been in an explosion scene! Although the scene where I got shot at with M80's, (on ironically enough...another superhero show (No Ordinary Family))...was much more festive. Not only was it more festive but I had plenty of experience with being shot at and gunshots in general (hence all the classy neighborhoods I've dwelled in)...so I just really felt like I was at home in my living room which made the acting that much more believable.
Now I'm back at KCAL trying to spew forth some Holla-ween tidbits. Oh here's a good one...don't google Halloween, last year when I did...my computer got infected with some malware shit. I guess these evil malware assholes implant their crap in holiday websites because idiots like me are curious as to the origin. Christmas too is another one that likes to fuck up your computer. So if you must look up different Holidays, do it at work or a friends house. You're welcome.
On a sidebar, can we please bring back wearing CAPES? I have two capes at home that are sitting around and dying to be worn. I don't want to be the only cape-doning common folk out there. Please help me in bringing the cape movement into the mainstream. Gracias!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Candy Hierarchy...
I am here to help you out this Halloween with the candy pyramid. The tiers of candy goodness. Once you have access to this valuable information, you can be revered in your neighborhood as the "good candy house" and kids will only speak highly of you and your candy prowess. Also, tricks will be kept to a minimum if they know you don't give out crappy apples or granola bars.
Okay, let's start at the top. I'm going to give you the top tiers and work our way to the bottom feeder tiers in the candy world (that way you can stop reading too once you have the valuable candy information you so desperately need)!
Top Tier bitches!
Milky way, Snicker and Twix.
I do not agree with this one at all. As a child with braces in 4th and 5th grade, I HATED anything with carmel because it fucked up my braces thus making it that much hard to brush and explain to my orthodontist about the week old carmel looming around in my metal infested mouth. Plus, it's fucking hard to chew carmel and maybe my mouth is too goddamn lazy to go to all that work for some goddamn sweets. I digress....
Post-Tertiary
Hershey's Kisses, Peanut M&M's, Junior Mints, Reese's Peanut butter cups and Three Musketeers
I think this should be the TOP TIER (minus the Hershey's kisses, they are just annoying).
2nd Tier
Kit-Kat, Nestle Crunch, Mounds, Tootsie Rolls, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth, Dark chocolate Hershey's bars, Whoopers
I'm voting for Whoopers except for the fact that if you eat too much, it really hurts the roof of your mouth. Why is candy so dangerous? Butterfingers are okay in a desperate candy crunch and Kit-Kat's are mediocre. Oh yeah, whatever happened to Strawberry Whoopers, did anyone else hop on that bandwagon for a month or two?
3rd Tier
Milk duds, Jolly ranchers (yuck, that is the "quitting smoking candy"), Almond Joy, Candy Corn and Starbursts, Benzedrine (?)
Benzedrine? We are giving kids meth now? Or is it only for the fat kids? If so, disregard...I'll allow it. Candy corn is a great substitute for wax, if your into eating wax. Everything else is pretty disgusting on this list. If you are giving away this shit to kids, (void the benzedrine) you will defo get some angst from the neighborhood kids.
Bottom Tier
Dots, lollipops, Nerds, Runts, Granola, Trail mix, gummy worms, white bread, licorice, bubble gum, chicklettes, Lemon heads, Laffy Taffy, Smarties, and circus peanuts.
Who the hell is handing out slices of white bread to kids? That is a sheer act of desperation and means these people didn't buy candy and are too cheap to give you money. (I forgot to buy candy one year cuz I thought no one would come by and egads...I ended up giving the kids MONEY. My place was very popular that year)
If you have lemonheads in your house, you must be over 65. I used to eat Circus peanuts for meals in college (one of my deepest darkest secrets).
So low it doesn't even register on the hierarchy
Fruit, pencils, lapel pins, tylenol, hugs
I fucking hated the apple people in my neighborhood as a kid. I wished just once they would sneak a razor blade in one of my apples so I could alert authorities and have them arrested. Maybe that would teach them to buy some fucking candy. By the way, wasn't it funny all the hype back in the olden days (the 80's and 90's) when they put the fear of god in you but insisting everyone was either a) drugging your candy (I wish) or b) shoving razor blades in your apples.
Seriously, do these old people in the "burbs" go to all the trouble to drug you for no reason? And do they think it's funny for you to bite down on a razor blade apple? I just find it really funny that we got so many warnings in regards to Halloween.
On a closing note, don't ever give kids Unicef money. They keep it...so I've heard.
Okay, let's start at the top. I'm going to give you the top tiers and work our way to the bottom feeder tiers in the candy world (that way you can stop reading too once you have the valuable candy information you so desperately need)!
Top Tier bitches!
Milky way, Snicker and Twix.
I do not agree with this one at all. As a child with braces in 4th and 5th grade, I HATED anything with carmel because it fucked up my braces thus making it that much hard to brush and explain to my orthodontist about the week old carmel looming around in my metal infested mouth. Plus, it's fucking hard to chew carmel and maybe my mouth is too goddamn lazy to go to all that work for some goddamn sweets. I digress....
Post-Tertiary
Hershey's Kisses, Peanut M&M's, Junior Mints, Reese's Peanut butter cups and Three Musketeers
I think this should be the TOP TIER (minus the Hershey's kisses, they are just annoying).
2nd Tier
Kit-Kat, Nestle Crunch, Mounds, Tootsie Rolls, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth, Dark chocolate Hershey's bars, Whoopers
I'm voting for Whoopers except for the fact that if you eat too much, it really hurts the roof of your mouth. Why is candy so dangerous? Butterfingers are okay in a desperate candy crunch and Kit-Kat's are mediocre. Oh yeah, whatever happened to Strawberry Whoopers, did anyone else hop on that bandwagon for a month or two?
3rd Tier
Milk duds, Jolly ranchers (yuck, that is the "quitting smoking candy"), Almond Joy, Candy Corn and Starbursts, Benzedrine (?)
Benzedrine? We are giving kids meth now? Or is it only for the fat kids? If so, disregard...I'll allow it. Candy corn is a great substitute for wax, if your into eating wax. Everything else is pretty disgusting on this list. If you are giving away this shit to kids, (void the benzedrine) you will defo get some angst from the neighborhood kids.
Bottom Tier
Dots, lollipops, Nerds, Runts, Granola, Trail mix, gummy worms, white bread, licorice, bubble gum, chicklettes, Lemon heads, Laffy Taffy, Smarties, and circus peanuts.
Who the hell is handing out slices of white bread to kids? That is a sheer act of desperation and means these people didn't buy candy and are too cheap to give you money. (I forgot to buy candy one year cuz I thought no one would come by and egads...I ended up giving the kids MONEY. My place was very popular that year)
If you have lemonheads in your house, you must be over 65. I used to eat Circus peanuts for meals in college (one of my deepest darkest secrets).
So low it doesn't even register on the hierarchy
Fruit, pencils, lapel pins, tylenol, hugs
I fucking hated the apple people in my neighborhood as a kid. I wished just once they would sneak a razor blade in one of my apples so I could alert authorities and have them arrested. Maybe that would teach them to buy some fucking candy. By the way, wasn't it funny all the hype back in the olden days (the 80's and 90's) when they put the fear of god in you but insisting everyone was either a) drugging your candy (I wish) or b) shoving razor blades in your apples.
Seriously, do these old people in the "burbs" go to all the trouble to drug you for no reason? And do they think it's funny for you to bite down on a razor blade apple? I just find it really funny that we got so many warnings in regards to Halloween.
On a closing note, don't ever give kids Unicef money. They keep it...so I've heard.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Don't forget your appendage!
Yesterday I was lucky to come into contact with some interesting people at my gig. A gay guy (who happened to have mutual gay guy friends and a mutual drag queen acquaintance)...a black lady who was in her 60's but looked like 40-ish...and another white lady in her late 40's or early 50's who was very funny.
We were sharing “war stories” doing background/acting work. The black lady told us about how she was supposed to be a lab tech on Bones and she got her lab coat and was trolling around the set and then just so happened to put her hands in her pockets and she felt something slimey and strange.
She pulled out someone's dentures! Yikes...apparently some guy who was the “lab tech” the day earlier decided to take his teeth out and plop them into his “borrowed” lab coat. He leaves them there. Wouldn't you notice if your teeth were missing? I mean, come on...wow, I can't chew...hmmm, I wonder why...where did I put my damn teeth? I hope I didn't leave them in some borrowed clothes from a set. Egads.
Then Kevin (the gay guy) tells us another fun appendage story about when he worked at Disneyland. They had a lost and found department and one day someone (one of the workers, I'm assuming) showed up with a wooden leg for the lost and found box. Kevin wasn't sure which “category” to file a lost leg in? I suggested Miscellaneous. And no one ever claimed their leg.
Now seriously, wouldn't you notice if your LEG was missing. Like hello, it's a lot harder to leave this amusement park then it was to get here...all hopping around on one leg. Jeez, when I got here...I just walked on up, now I have to HOP away on one leg, I wonder why that is? Hmmmmmmm...could it be that I'm missing a limb? Nah, that's not it.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Mr. Sunshine
I'm going to work on this show called Mr. Sunshine, which ironically enough it's raining. Mr. Sunshine is another "Friends" reject show, by which I mean a cast member of the show "Friends", in an attempt to make a career come-back.
I hate to be so bitter but I have to drive to IngleHOOD in the rain. For some odd reason, people decide to drive like maniacs in the rain. I guess they enjoy hydroplaning, the thrill of death lingering a little closer to their already close to decomposing corpse.
I also have two scripts I was supposed to turn in this week and my laptop decided to become infected with various virus', none of which are detected with my anti-virus or malware programs. grrrrrrr....
'This is sad that this is all the stimuli I have to write about today, I've got to start getting in more trouble and/or taking the red line more often. Maybe I'll meet some psychos on set that I can write about later. Fingers crossed!
I hate to be so bitter but I have to drive to IngleHOOD in the rain. For some odd reason, people decide to drive like maniacs in the rain. I guess they enjoy hydroplaning, the thrill of death lingering a little closer to their already close to decomposing corpse.
I also have two scripts I was supposed to turn in this week and my laptop decided to become infected with various virus', none of which are detected with my anti-virus or malware programs. grrrrrrr....
'This is sad that this is all the stimuli I have to write about today, I've got to start getting in more trouble and/or taking the red line more often. Maybe I'll meet some psychos on set that I can write about later. Fingers crossed!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Mayor Mayhem
Throwing steaming hot dumplings at anyone is funny but I digress, the Mayor then decides it'd be a great idea to snatch her purse and hop in his SUV with her hanging onto her purse (damn, must've been some valuables in there) and DRIVE AWAY with her hanging off the SUV at 45 MPH! Now I'm saying that purse is filled with gold, she was on her way to "Cash for Gold" before her plans were twarted by the evil Mayor. Or maybe she had a grip of ProActiv in there (See picture)
Eventually a mall (a STRIP mall) security guard stops the vehicle and detains the mayor. Oops, did I mention this happened at 1:30am? Who eats dumplings in a strip mall at 1:30am? Who I ask you?
The Mayor is being held on 100,000 bail and is being charged with felony assault, felony robbery and misdemeanor battery. The Mayor also has a wife and kid. Has the economy gotten so bad he's had to resort to purse snatching to feed his family?
In closing the good ol Mayor wants to thank his family and friends. For what? Thank you friends and familly for sticking by me and thinking I'm in the right to steal that bitch's purse and drag her behind my SUV, she deserved it...she threw dumplings at me.
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