I am here to help you out this Halloween with the candy pyramid. The tiers of candy goodness. Once you have access to this valuable information, you can be revered in your neighborhood as the "good candy house" and kids will only speak highly of you and your candy prowess. Also, tricks will be kept to a minimum if they know you don't give out crappy apples or granola bars.
Okay, let's start at the top. I'm going to give you the top tiers and work our way to the bottom feeder tiers in the candy world (that way you can stop reading too once you have the valuable candy information you so desperately need)!
Top Tier bitches!
Milky way, Snicker and Twix.
I do not agree with this one at all. As a child with braces in 4th and 5th grade, I HATED anything with carmel because it fucked up my braces thus making it that much hard to brush and explain to my orthodontist about the week old carmel looming around in my metal infested mouth. Plus, it's fucking hard to chew carmel and maybe my mouth is too goddamn lazy to go to all that work for some goddamn sweets. I digress....
Post-Tertiary
Hershey's Kisses, Peanut M&M's, Junior Mints, Reese's Peanut butter cups and Three Musketeers
I think this should be the TOP TIER (minus the Hershey's kisses, they are just annoying).
2nd Tier
Kit-Kat, Nestle Crunch, Mounds, Tootsie Rolls, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth, Dark chocolate Hershey's bars, Whoopers
I'm voting for Whoopers except for the fact that if you eat too much, it really hurts the roof of your mouth. Why is candy so dangerous? Butterfingers are okay in a desperate candy crunch and Kit-Kat's are mediocre. Oh yeah, whatever happened to Strawberry Whoopers, did anyone else hop on that bandwagon for a month or two?
3rd Tier
Milk duds, Jolly ranchers (yuck, that is the "quitting smoking candy"), Almond Joy, Candy Corn and Starbursts, Benzedrine (?)
Benzedrine? We are giving kids meth now? Or is it only for the fat kids? If so, disregard...I'll allow it. Candy corn is a great substitute for wax, if your into eating wax. Everything else is pretty disgusting on this list. If you are giving away this shit to kids, (void the benzedrine) you will defo get some angst from the neighborhood kids.
Bottom Tier
Dots, lollipops, Nerds, Runts, Granola, Trail mix, gummy worms, white bread, licorice, bubble gum, chicklettes, Lemon heads, Laffy Taffy, Smarties, and circus peanuts.
Who the hell is handing out slices of white bread to kids? That is a sheer act of desperation and means these people didn't buy candy and are too cheap to give you money. (I forgot to buy candy one year cuz I thought no one would come by and egads...I ended up giving the kids MONEY. My place was very popular that year)
If you have lemonheads in your house, you must be over 65. I used to eat Circus peanuts for meals in college (one of my deepest darkest secrets).
So low it doesn't even register on the hierarchy
Fruit, pencils, lapel pins, tylenol, hugs
I fucking hated the apple people in my neighborhood as a kid. I wished just once they would sneak a razor blade in one of my apples so I could alert authorities and have them arrested. Maybe that would teach them to buy some fucking candy. By the way, wasn't it funny all the hype back in the olden days (the 80's and 90's) when they put the fear of god in you but insisting everyone was either a) drugging your candy (I wish) or b) shoving razor blades in your apples.
Seriously, do these old people in the "burbs" go to all the trouble to drug you for no reason? And do they think it's funny for you to bite down on a razor blade apple? I just find it really funny that we got so many warnings in regards to Halloween.
On a closing note, don't ever give kids Unicef money. They keep it...so I've heard.
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