I'll answer that. It's limitless! My day starts out semi-normal. Once I set foot outside of my living abode though is usually when things get weird. I'm driving...no actually I'm stopped at a stoplight. Some crazy old ass broad decides to push her shopping cart into my car and then proceed to scream at me for hitting her. First of all, it wasn't your turn to walk yo...the little walking man was not on, it was the hand that tells you to HALT.
Second of all, I wasn't moving. How can I hit you when I'm stopped at a stop sign waiting for your gippy ass and 95 year old blind guy with one leg to stroll leisurey through the crosswalk. So she decides to swear at me in espanol for a while and I smile and wave.
Next stop, is a fitting for this show called "Big Love". I have no idea how I got booked on this show. It's about morons (I spelled mormon like moron for a reason) in Utah and polygamists (Yes spelling nazi's out there, I may have spelled it wrong but I'm fucking tired and I have to get up at 4am...so be angry and irate and berate my higher institution of learning for not teaching me how to fucking spell) boo!
I digress, I have piercings, 20 tattoos and platinum blonde hair cut in a pixie cut. Does that SCREAM Mormon bitch to you? So I go to the fitting, mostly because they do pay you and you need to go to get more work..blah blah. I try on my sexy compound garb which is a jean skirt down to my ankles and some ugly old lady pink blouse. puke! This is the first time I thought, I don't want this part...please give it to someone else who is dying to look ugly and frumpy on TV.
I leave and decide to do a little shopping...(I'm not going to disclose the location in case...) And a person who I think is crazy and maybe stalking me a bit was there. One of those people that you say "hi" to and they talk your ear off for an hour or so...and you just can't really escape their zone. You are TRAPPED...no way out...but not to mention the subject matter of above-mentioned nutso person's vocab. Let's just say "thoughts of grandeur" is an underestimation. If you've ever met a schizo or a meth head or just a really lonely homeless person, you know what kind of zone you could be trapped in. Must avoid at all costs.
I race over to the cash register to conceal my identity. Egads, just as I'm about to make my escape...this lady I was chatting with earlier comes running over with a dress I was oogling and wants to give it to me. OH NO!! Now i have to go BACK and try this thing on...oh what to do...try on the dress and risk talking to crazy or throw the dress on the floor and pay for my stuff and get the hell out of dodge.
I threw the dress down and quickly made my escape. I watch enough horror movies to know when to get the hell OUT! Whew...now I go to CVS to get some vitamins and wouldn't you know it...the line is 20 people deep and one cash register chick who is about 9 months pregnant. I'm being patient and waiting..waiting...waiting...but the dude behind me wasn't...
He just plain walked out with his red basket full of crap (toilet paper, shampoo, hemmroid cream, condoms, captain crunch, oj, doritos, denture cream, and cat litter)...nonchalantly too. He actually sauntered out. A saunter is kind of slow. These ladies behind me are freaking out. (Like they've never seen someone shoplift before) STOP HIM...STOP HIM...they yell! HE'S STEALING...The cash register lady looks at them with her protruding pregnant tummy and says; "You want me to chase him? Should I leave and chase the guy for his toilet paper?"
At this point, she calls the security guard who doesn't even saunter...he literally moseys on over at a snails pace and looks out the door. "Where did he go?" The cash register lady says; "he left 15 minutes ago"...The "security" guard shrugs and walks away while continuing eating his snoball (little Debbie snack gross thing that is pink)...
Eventually I make my way to the front and pay for my stupid vitamins. On the way home, wouldn't you know it...I see ol shoplifter with his red CVS basket still sauntering down MY STREET. The shoplifter is one of my neighbors. Sweet maybe I'll have to pick up a few pointers...learn how to saunter more effectively!
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