A few Random Observations...

First of all, driving anywhere on x-mas eve is insane and only the seriously deranged choose to do so...myself included in that.  I always wait until the last minute to buy x-mas gifts, I think by some chance I'm going to stumble upon tons of money and be able to afford elaborate gifts for people.  Alas, it didn't happen...again.  (although I'm waiting for a bunch of checks...a bunch = three)

I traipse around in search of gifts and lo and behold I pass by a store that says "California Detal".  What the hell is that?  (I think to myself)  I look at the store front and still no clue.  It's a dirty gross building and in my neighborhood, that could be anything...it could go either way..Dental or Detail (as in cars).  I stare and stare at the stoplight trying desperately to figure it out.  If it's dental, I'm sure as hell NEVER going there...if it's detail, I don't have to cuz I'm currently transportationally challenged.  But I still want to know goddamn it!

The mystery never gets solved.  I mosely along to the next destination.  I see a HUGE banner that says; "O% off all accessories until Christmas!"  I see the banner and think; "Wow, I should stop in there and then...WAIT, 0 fucking percent off?"  That means it's not on sale at all...but there is a big banner.  0 percent must be a good deal, wait, what?  It's fucking christmas, something must be on sale...I should investigate. 

I kept driving and I did take note it was a smoke shop.  Maybe they thought stoners (not that I know any...*clears throat*)...stoners would totally stop because it's a big fucking banner and sometimes (I've heard) your vision can be shakey.  My other theory being, whoever got it made was stoned and thought it'd be hilarious to say 0 percent off and figured stoners would stop anyway either A) because they thought it was funny and hence, would buy shit or b) stoners would stop in to see what the big banner hoopla was about and when they realized there is no sale they'd say "fuck it" and buy the stuff anyways and c) completely non-stoner types who wanted to correct them and they would be sucked into the fold and buy stuff too (ya know, for their stoner friends...but only the ones with cataracts). 

OY...

This has been a ridiculously rough month.  I spent the last week dealing with a nut and now I have to do this christmas shopping hoopla stuff.  I'm trying to stay on top of the screenplay I'm writing and I'm stuck.  I never get stuck and now here I am...stuck.  My villian isn't quite as evil as I planned, he's just creepy and perverse.  I'm having a hard time coming up with motivational things to inspire his evilness.  I'm good with evil too...damn.

I'm tired beyond belief...and it appears everytime I leave my house, I encounter weird shit.  For instance, I go to the bank yesterday and when I go to the counter area to sign my checks...for some odd reason, all the pens are GONE...someone decided to rip the pens...all of them from their little string stand.  Seriously, this would only happen in the bank I go to...every other bank in LA probably has their pens all intact and ready to sign shit but of couse, not the fucking bank I frequent...that would just be too fucking convenient.

Then I go to buy a gift card from this fucking cheesy place and I can't find it...it turns out the lights on their sign are burnt out..instead of being the "elephant bar'...they are now the "ant bar".  I wasn't looking to buy a gift card from the Ant Bar...

Oh the day before that...I saw Courtney Kardashian.  Not that I give a rat's rectum about her but she was texting and looking up every so often to glare at people.  As if no one is allowed to look at her, as if anyone would want to.  Jeez.

My last babbling nonsensical piece of nothingness is; did you know the McRib has a twitter account?  If you are following the McRib, I would suggest that you really need to find a hobby.  And if you know anyone following the McRib, I feel it's safe to say that the terrorists have won.

Fun...

I miss fun, goddamn it!  I got to go out to happy hour with my homie for a few hours tonight and had so much fun.  I wanted to keep having FUN...but alas, she had to go do something for her boyfriend and it ended.  I tried to drum up a little more fun but much to my dismay...other people were out having their own brand of fun which I was sitting at home missing out on....while trying wrangle up some more fun.

In all seriousness though...I haven't gotten my fun on for two years.  (partly cuz I was pregger and with a baby) but now she's the ripe old age of 15 months.  Time to grow up and take care of yourself so Mommy can seek out fun and do fun shit again.

I miss my friends.  I used to have tons of friends but being the first one of such friends with a child really throws a damper on your social life.  People invite you places not realizing that someone is eating off your boob so you can't exactly get up and leave...that is just plain rude.  Soon thereafter, the friends and makers of fun forget about you and stop calling.  No one calls...you don't notice until...you are hankering around for fun. 

I'm on a quest for fun.  I moved too...to a different neighborhood where fun is at a minimum.  There are no cool clubs, nothing to walk too and just not fun people around.  Most of them are rather drab and sad sack-like.  It's a real drag when you are out to have some goddamn mother fucking FUN. 

You wanna call you're old friends to participate in fun, but still can't exactly be held to plans in case the child wants to change your plans...You have to remain fairly functionable in case you have to do some caretaking when you get home.  You are scared that their brand of fun might last until 6am which is really bad for the family life.  Sometimes you just think they aren't that fun but you want to find people that want to have fun like you used to have fucking fun a few years ago. 

Anyways, if anyone wants to help me out with the fun department.  I'm available most nights for happy hour and even more available after 9pm (when the baby goes to sleep) until midnight-ish.  I'm down to go gay bar dancing, happy hour crashing and anything else that screams fun.  

Some people want to bring sexy back, I just want to bring fun back.  Please help

I found a new role model...

Since George Carlin died, I've been hard-pressed to find a new role model.  I always said I wanted to be him when I grew up (which will probably be never).  Larry David was a close second in that race but today, I worked with someone who I am proud to say is my new role model...Larry Charles. 

The great thing about him is that he totally looks like a homeless person and he's this brilliant director/writer...one of the most successful comedy writers in LA.  He's not famous and he's just fucking cool....and did I say brilliant?  Wikipedia him...

How many weird things can happen in one day?

I'll answer that.  It's limitless!  My day starts out semi-normal.  Once I set foot outside of my living abode though is usually when things get weird.  I'm driving...no actually I'm stopped at a stoplight.  Some crazy old ass broad decides to push her shopping cart into my car and then proceed to scream at me for hitting her.  First of all, it wasn't your turn to walk yo...the little walking man was not on, it was the hand that tells you to HALT. 

Second of all, I wasn't moving.  How can I hit you when I'm stopped at a stop sign waiting for your gippy ass and 95 year old blind guy with one leg to stroll leisurey through the crosswalk.  So she decides to swear at me in espanol for a while and I smile and wave.

Next stop, is a fitting for this show called "Big Love".  I have no idea how I got booked on this show.  It's about morons (I spelled mormon like moron for a reason) in Utah and polygamists (Yes spelling nazi's out there, I may have spelled it wrong but I'm fucking tired and I have to get up at 4am...so be angry and irate and berate my higher institution of learning for not teaching me how to fucking spell)  boo!

I digress, I have piercings, 20 tattoos and platinum blonde hair cut in a pixie cut.  Does that SCREAM Mormon bitch to you?  So I go to the fitting, mostly because they do pay you and you need to go to get more work..blah blah.  I try on my sexy compound garb which is a jean skirt down to my ankles and some ugly old lady pink blouse.  puke!  This is the first time I thought, I don't want this part...please give it to someone else who is dying to look ugly and frumpy on TV. 

I leave and decide to do a little shopping...(I'm not going to disclose the location in case...)  And a person who I think is crazy and maybe stalking me a bit was there.  One of those people that you say "hi" to and they talk your ear off for an hour or so...and you just can't really escape their zone.  You are TRAPPED...no way out...but not to mention the subject matter of above-mentioned nutso person's vocab.  Let's just say "thoughts of grandeur" is an underestimation.  If you've ever met a schizo or a meth head or just a really lonely homeless person, you know what kind of zone you could be trapped in.  Must avoid at all costs. 

I race over to the cash register to conceal my identity.  Egads, just as I'm about to make my escape...this lady I was chatting with earlier comes running over with a dress I was oogling and wants to give it to me.  OH NO!!  Now i have to go BACK and try this thing on...oh what to do...try on the dress and risk talking to crazy or throw the dress on the floor and pay for my stuff and get the hell out of dodge.

I threw the dress down and quickly made my escape.  I watch enough horror movies to know when to get the hell OUT!  Whew...now I go to CVS to get some vitamins and wouldn't you know it...the line is 20 people deep and one cash register chick who is about 9 months pregnant.  I'm being patient and waiting..waiting...waiting...but the dude behind me wasn't...

He just plain walked out with his red basket full of crap (toilet paper, shampoo, hemmroid cream, condoms, captain crunch, oj, doritos, denture cream, and cat litter)...nonchalantly too.  He actually sauntered out.  A saunter is kind of slow.  These ladies behind me are freaking out.  (Like they've never seen someone shoplift before)  STOP HIM...STOP HIM...they yell!  HE'S STEALING...The cash register lady looks at them with her protruding pregnant tummy and says; "You want me to chase him?  Should I leave and chase the guy for his toilet paper?"

At this point, she calls the security guard who doesn't even saunter...he literally moseys on over at a snails pace and looks out the door.  "Where did he go?"   The cash register lady says; "he left 15 minutes ago"...The "security" guard shrugs and walks away while continuing eating his snoball (little Debbie snack gross thing that is pink)...

Eventually I make my way to the front and pay for my stupid vitamins.  On the way home, wouldn't you know it...I see ol shoplifter with his red CVS basket still sauntering down MY STREET.  The shoplifter is one of my neighbors.  Sweet maybe I'll have to pick up a few pointers...learn how to saunter more effectively!

The Palin Show

This is one of the worst pieces of trash television I've ran across in a while.  First of all, when you think the Kendra show is more entertaining than this...that's a problem cuz that chick is retarded.

First of all, they have positioned this thing to be a "nature" aka I love Alaska show.  Boo hiss...where are the scantily clad bitches, fights and smack downs.  Don't these people understand what makes for good TV?  They go on nature adventures and spend a lot of time texting on their blackberries.

If you love watching people text (which you can see everywhere)...watch this show.  They should've titled it "people texting and fornicating with nature"...

They also like to throw in a couple of gratutitous "Sarah in shorts with freakishly tan legs" shots.  And then Willow with freakishly short shorts and freakishly tan legs walking around.  Not much dialogue, just them walking around in shorts in freezing cold weather in Alaska with freakishly tan legs. 

Last of all to note, Todd Palin is mentally handicapped.  He has some weird lisp, closed mouth talker thing going on and he's got some kermit the frog voice going on.  On top of it, he is the quintessential redneck with those ugly ass wrap around sunglasses and that god-awful camouflage shit.  OY.

Watch it for his voice and talking if you want to be slightly amused for 5 seconds. 

I have another blog....

with different stories on it.  If you feel the urge to peep it out... http://www.kimberfreak.wordpress.com/

You can never be too rich, thin or have too many blogs. 

Daylight Savings Time

I've been sitting here forever wondering when the hell this is going to take place.  Anyone else?  So they (whoever the hell "they" are) moved it to November apparently to save money on electricity.  That's nice...but they could've at least told us before they went and kept us hanging about when to turn the clocks.

That's all...

Stop bringing your ships to Somalia...

There are pirates there!  They like to overtake ships!  You've been warned.

Another ship was seized by pirates again this morning, check CNN.com if you don't believe me. 

This has been in the news forever yet people keep taking their damn ships over there.  You know what?  I don't feel sorry for you.  Wasn't there at least one guy on the ship that said, "hey guys, there are pirates that aren't very nice in Somalia, can we take an alternate route?"  Problem solved.

A Post about Nothing...

Black Hooded Velvet Cape

except for my last three days of non-stop working.  Oy vey!  I mostly worked at KCAL and spent my days chatting on the radio and eat Pho (a super duper Pho place just opened up down the street)...the people there are ridiculously nice.

I also worked on "The Cape"...what is the deal with all these losers writing superhero shows for mid-season pick-ups?  They are all trying to ride the coattails of Heros (which I never watched)...Anyways, I'm already offended by the Cape (and I informed quite a few of the crew)...if you are going to have a fucking superhero show, don't you think it's a little bit lazy to just call the guy "the cape".  Isn't anyone a little original?  You go to all the work to become a superhero, which I'm imaging isn't easy and all the writer's can come up with is "THE CAPE"...is the spin-off show going to be called "The Overcoat"...or how about his lovely lady sidekick...is her name "the stilletto"?

I got to be in a "blowing up the craps table" scene.  You haven't lived until you have been in an explosion scene!  Although the scene where I got shot at with M80's, (on ironically enough...another superhero show (No Ordinary Family))...was much more festive.  Not only was it more festive but I had plenty of experience with being shot at and gunshots in general (hence all the classy neighborhoods I've dwelled in)...so I just really felt like I was at home in my living room which made the acting that much more believable.

Now I'm back at KCAL trying to spew forth some Holla-ween tidbits.  Oh here's a good one...don't google Halloween, last year when I did...my computer got infected with some malware shit.  I guess these evil malware assholes implant their crap in holiday websites because idiots like me are curious as to the origin.  Christmas too is another one that likes to fuck up your computer.  So if you must look up different Holidays, do it at work or a friends house.  You're welcome.

On a sidebar, can we please bring back wearing CAPES?  I have two capes at home that are sitting around and dying to be worn.  I don't want to be the only cape-doning common folk out there.  Please help me in bringing the cape movement into the mainstream.  Gracias!

The Candy Hierarchy...

I am here to help you out this Halloween with the candy pyramid.  The tiers of candy goodness.  Once you have access to this valuable information, you can be revered in your neighborhood as the "good candy house" and kids will only speak highly of you and your candy prowess.  Also, tricks will be kept to a minimum if they know you don't give out crappy apples or granola bars.

Okay, let's start at the top.  I'm going to give you the top tiers and work our way to the bottom feeder tiers in the candy world (that way you can stop reading too once you have the valuable candy information you so desperately need)!

Top Tier bitches!
Milky way, Snicker and Twix. 

I do not agree with this one at all.  As a child with braces in 4th and 5th grade, I HATED anything with carmel because it fucked up my braces thus making it that much hard to brush and explain to my orthodontist about the week old carmel looming around in my metal infested mouth.   Plus, it's fucking hard to chew carmel and maybe my mouth is too goddamn lazy to go to all that work for some goddamn sweets.  I digress....

Post-Tertiary
Hershey's Kisses, Peanut M&M's, Junior Mints, Reese's Peanut butter cups and Three Musketeers

I think this should be the TOP TIER (minus the Hershey's kisses, they are just annoying).

2nd Tier
Kit-Kat, Nestle Crunch, Mounds, Tootsie Rolls, Butterfinger, Baby Ruth, Dark chocolate Hershey's bars, Whoopers

I'm voting for Whoopers except for the fact that if you eat too much, it really hurts the roof of your mouth.  Why is candy so dangerous?  Butterfingers are okay in a desperate candy crunch and Kit-Kat's are mediocre.  Oh yeah, whatever happened to Strawberry Whoopers, did anyone else hop on that bandwagon for a month or two? 

3rd Tier
Milk duds, Jolly ranchers (yuck, that is the "quitting smoking candy"), Almond Joy, Candy Corn and Starbursts, Benzedrine (?) 

Benzedrine?  We are giving kids meth now?  Or is it only for the fat kids?  If so, disregard...I'll allow it.  Candy corn is a great substitute for wax, if your into eating wax.  Everything else is pretty disgusting on this list.  If you are giving away this shit to kids, (void the benzedrine) you will defo get some angst from the neighborhood kids.

Bottom Tier   
Dots, lollipops, Nerds, Runts, Granola, Trail mix, gummy worms, white bread, licorice, bubble gum, chicklettes, Lemon heads, Laffy Taffy, Smarties, and circus peanuts.

Who the hell is handing out slices of white bread to kids?   That is a sheer act of desperation and means these people didn't buy candy and are too cheap to give you money. (I forgot to buy candy one year cuz I thought no one would come by and egads...I ended up giving the kids MONEY.  My place was very popular that year)

If you have lemonheads in your house, you must be over 65.  I used to eat Circus peanuts for meals in college (one of my deepest darkest secrets). 

So low it doesn't even register on the hierarchy
Fruit, pencils, lapel pins, tylenol, hugs

I fucking hated the apple people in  my neighborhood as a kid.  I wished just once they would sneak a razor blade in one of my apples so I could alert authorities and have them arrested.  Maybe that would teach them to buy some fucking candy.  By the way, wasn't it funny all the hype back in the olden days (the 80's and 90's) when they put the fear of god in you but insisting everyone was either a) drugging your candy (I wish) or b) shoving razor blades in your apples. 

Seriously, do these old people in the "burbs" go to all the trouble to drug you for no reason?  And do they think it's funny for you to bite down on a razor blade apple?  I just find it really funny that we got so many warnings in regards to Halloween. 

On a closing note, don't ever give kids Unicef money.  They keep it...so I've heard.  

Don't forget your appendage!

Yesterday I was lucky to come into contact with some interesting people at my gig. A gay guy (who happened to have mutual gay guy friends and a mutual drag queen acquaintance)...a black lady who was in her 60's but looked like 40-ish...and another white lady in her late 40's or early 50's who was very funny.

We were sharing “war stories” doing background/acting work. The black lady told us about how she was supposed to be a lab tech on Bones and she got her lab coat and was trolling around the set and then just so happened to put her hands in her pockets and she felt something slimey and strange.

She pulled out someone's dentures! Yikes...apparently some guy who was the “lab tech” the day earlier decided to take his teeth out and plop them into his “borrowed” lab coat. He leaves them there. Wouldn't you notice if your teeth were missing? I mean, come on...wow, I can't chew...hmmm, I wonder why...where did I put my damn teeth? I hope I didn't leave them in some borrowed clothes from a set. Egads.

Then Kevin (the gay guy) tells us another fun appendage story about when he worked at Disneyland. They had a lost and found department and one day someone (one of the workers, I'm assuming) showed up with a wooden leg for the lost and found box. Kevin wasn't sure which “category” to file a lost leg in? I suggested Miscellaneous. And no one ever claimed their leg.

Now seriously, wouldn't you notice if your LEG was missing. Like hello, it's a lot harder to leave this amusement park then it was to get here...all hopping around on one leg. Jeez, when I got here...I just walked on up, now I have to HOP away on one leg, I wonder why that is? Hmmmmmmm...could it be that I'm missing a limb? Nah, that's not it.

Mr. Sunshine

I'm going to work on this show called Mr. Sunshine, which ironically enough it's raining.  Mr. Sunshine is another "Friends" reject show, by which I mean a cast member of the show "Friends", in an attempt to make a career come-back.

I hate to be so bitter but I have to drive to IngleHOOD in the rain.  For some odd reason, people decide to drive like maniacs in the rain.  I guess they enjoy hydroplaning, the thrill of death lingering a little closer to their already close to decomposing corpse.

I also have two scripts I was supposed to turn in this week and my laptop decided to become infected with various virus', none of which are detected with my anti-virus or malware programs.  grrrrrrr....

'This is sad that this is all the stimuli I have to write about today, I've got to start getting in more trouble and/or taking the red line more often.    Maybe I'll meet some psychos on set that I can write about later.  Fingers crossed!  

Mayor Mayhem

Yay, another political scandal!  I get so excited when people in authoritative positions get in crazy white trash trouble!  Albert Haung, age 35 and also the Mayor of San Gabriel (East of Los Angeles) was dining in a strip mall.  First of all, you are the Mayor...what are you doing in a low dollar strip mall?  Eating at Popeye's chicken?  He was eating dumplings with a 33-year old woman (he says "friend", I say otherwise)...the woman had a problem with the dumplings or the Mayor and she tossed the plate of steaming hot dumplings at him. 

Throwing steaming hot dumplings at anyone is funny but I digress, the Mayor then decides it'd be a great idea to snatch her purse and hop in his SUV with her hanging onto her purse (damn, must've been some valuables in there) and DRIVE AWAY with her hanging off the SUV at 45 MPH!  Now I'm saying that purse is filled with gold, she was on her way to "Cash for Gold" before her plans were twarted by the evil Mayor.  Or maybe she had a grip of ProActiv in there (See picture)

Eventually a mall (a STRIP mall) security guard stops the vehicle and detains the mayor.  Oops, did I mention this happened at 1:30am?  Who eats dumplings in a strip mall at 1:30am?  Who I ask you? 

The Mayor is being held on 100,000 bail and is being charged with felony assault, felony robbery and misdemeanor battery.  The Mayor also has a wife and kid.  Has the economy gotten so bad he's had to resort to purse snatching to feed his family? 

In closing the good ol Mayor wants to thank his family and friends.  For what?  Thank you friends and familly for sticking by me and thinking I'm in the right to steal that bitch's purse and drag her behind my SUV, she deserved it...she threw dumplings at me.